why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
