i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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