i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
