Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize