Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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