If i come over, it means nothing
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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