Will you blow on my dice?
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
