I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
