I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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