just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
