Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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