last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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