im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
id be glad to
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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