fuck your aforementioned shoe
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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