If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
