maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
