i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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