I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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