Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
