Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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