just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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