The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
40s are totally the cure
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
