1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
