I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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