either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
