Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
