I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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