I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
