After last night, I could never be a politician.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
