I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
