Soap is not a condiment
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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