I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You pole danced in your parka.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
