I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize