Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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