I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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