Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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