Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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