I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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