Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
