my phone needs a breathalizer
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
