I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
