Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
