You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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