I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
