Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
