she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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