The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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