Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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