I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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