I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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