I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
