Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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