I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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