At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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