did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
where are my eyebrows?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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