He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
