why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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