One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
