remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
