i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
