When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
