Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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