your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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